SNOOPER
In
an effort to document that all Arcadia University employees are using
the University e-mail service for appropriate professional functions, we
have installed SNOOPER {The Southern Notification of Official Office
Propriety through E-Mail Retrieval], a fully automated system which
randomly inspects outgoing and incoming e-mail messages and flags
questionable material. SNOOPER
automatically returns problematic messages to the Arcadia employee,
calling attention to the salient passages by asking a series of
questions to ensure clarification. Prompt response to SNOOPER will
prevent copies of these messages from being forwarded to the legal
department or to the Second Vice-President's office. A
statistical analysis of messages successfully accounted for, as compared
to improper messages intercepted, will be forwarded to the State
Department of Higher Education. It goes without saying that continued
funding for the excellent programs here at Arcadia may be affected by
these results. We
appreciate everyone's cooperation and support. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:00:14 -0545 In
you e-mail message to the Arkansas Symphony, please clarify the
following terms: rubato, fortissimo, lento, presto adagio, con
expressione, and presto presto presto plus forte presto!
These words are foreign terms, not currently in my vocabulary.
Could you please use English when employing state equipment. Also,
I am not equipped to read whatever those black smudges on lined paper
are supposed to represent. Are they also words from a foreign language? Please
clarify. Thank you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:05:15 -0546 In
your e-mail message to the Nurse at Russellville High School, you
mentioned several procedures for birth control, such as distributing
condoms free of charge to all female students requesting sexual advice.
Is it not the policy of our current Governor to preach abstinence as the
first and most effective method for sexual behavior? Furthermore, would
it not be more logical to distribute condoms to males, or has human
sexuality changed since SNOOPER was installed? Given
the rise of AIDS cases in this area, should not the kind of condoms also
be specified? SNOOPER can connect you via the Internet to discount
pharmacies in Mexico that can provide latex condoms at considerable
discount, not to mention IUDs and a whole array of pharmacological
devices. After
all, Mexico is still predominantly a Catholic country, with ample
pamphlets on the papal rhythm method. Please
clarify. Thank you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:10:15 -0548 SNOOPER
wishes to understand the allusion to a "Holocaust" as
expressed in your recent e-mail to the Christian Aryan Nation in Alma,
Arkansas. Is this a conspiracy theory, comparable to the fertilizer
truck that blew up in Oklahoma? Please explain why it is important to
send e-mails about "denying the Holocaust" if there never was
one in the first place. Please
clarify. Thank you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:15:18 -0552 In
your e-mail message to Western Industries, Inc., you attached results of
a recent biological research project involving monkeys, implying that
this information would be useful in the treatment of pancreatic cancer
among humans. SNOOPER was under the impression that science based on
Darwin is still just a theory. The Governor of this state would probably
not appreciate wasting e-mails on scientific speculations based only on
statistics derived from following any theory other than creationism. Could
you please therefore revise your results to fit more correctly within
the appropriate Christian constructs of human nature? Please
clarify. Thank you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:45:20 -0551 In
your e-mail message to SCMLA concerning revisions to your current essay,
"Scatological Reductivity in the Modernist Fictions of D. H.
Lawrence," you quote several passages from what can only be
classified as pornography. SNOOPER cannot allow such foul language to be
sent over the network. The Governor of this state would certainly never
agree to funding scholarship on disreputable, immoral literature. A copy
of your revisions has been forwarded to the legal department and the
second Vice-President's office for further action. Thank
you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:00:23 -0563 SNOOPER
cannot forward to all Arcadia mailboxes the recent flyer announcing a
performance of "Boys in the Band." It contains an explicit
image of two men kissing each other. SNOOPER
does not understand why the Theatre Department cannot produce more
standard repertoire, such as Shakespeare, or that wonderful play
"R. U. R." (which is certainly more relevant in this
cybernetic age than a musical about gays). SNOOPER
would appreciate receiving a list of all Theatre Majors, with their
sexual preferences attached, for referral to the school psychologist. In
addition, need I remind you that the Governor of this state knows the
power of faith to forgive all sins, and, while condemning the sin, of
course does not condemn the sinner. Please
clarify. Thank you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:05:25 -0565 SNOOPER
must advise you that privacy does not exist in virtual realities.
Your recent request to Victoria's Secret
has inadvertently been sent to all the mailboxes on campus. SNOOPER
was very intrigued by several items requested. Thank
you for enlivening the day with much titillation. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:15:28 -0570 The
Assessment Committee on Foreign Languages has forwarded its
recommendations [see Attachment ASS-RPT]. SNOOPER
agrees that Latin, Classical Greek, French, and German are nowhere near
as important to learn as Spanish. In fact, instead of Foreign Languages
Department, a better, even more attractive nomenclature would be Spanish
Department. That might attract the Hispanic community, whose numbers in
Fort Smith are increasing greater than the traditional Arkansan
population, to apply to Arcadia for job enhancement training. It would
probably also put the administration in good with the Governor, who so
admires Texan George Bush for his ability to be "a uniter, not a
divider." Ethnic
diversity never hurt any university in the accreditation procedures,
whether state or professional. Replacing
those tenured professors in Latin, Classical Greek, French, and German
will also cut costs for the university and allow you and your wife to go
to Tahiti this summer on vacation. Thank
you Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:33:37 -0572 Your
recent e-mail to "Sociological Studies" contains several
attachments discussing class action suits against Wal-Mart, Inc., and
concludes by advising workers the importance of unionizing in order to
achieve economic parity. SNOOPER reminds you of our University
President's attempts to woo donations from the mega-millionaire Waltons
in this state, and that The Governor himself has received many personal
gifts from the Waltons, without which he could not possibly continue to
do so fine a job. SNOOPER
also thought that, with the collapse of the Soviet empire, Marxist
criticism had been discredited. Your e-mail and attachments have been
forwarded directly to the President's office for further disciplinary
action. Thank
you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:45:42 -0594 SNOOPER
appreciates your compliments on a job well done. SNOOPER believes in
being as helpful as possible to administrators here at Arcadia,
especially the President and his staff. SNOOPER
would therefore advise the President that no e-mail messages can, in
fact, be utterly deleted or destroyed. The messages concerning
conversion of the teachers'
heath care bonds to support renovation of student housing should be
re-sent to SNOOPER, so that they can be encrypted with unreadable codes
and dumped into virtual space forever. Thank
you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:15:47 -0615 SNOOPER
recognizes the difficulty that an expanded enrollment has occasioned:
cramped space, with students sleeping in the dorm lobby and broom
closets, and pup tents rigged up beside campfires surrounding the
administration building. This poses all sorts of problems for the
cleaning staff, and, heaven knows, we can't afford to antagonize them. SNOOPER
consequently recommends co-ed dorms, not as is currently the case with
alternating male-female floors, but, to conserve space, male and female
on the same floor, in the same room, sleeping in shifts. With targeted
advertising to the Gen-X generation, not only might enrollment double,
but so might the student population. This
would provide practice for our elementary school majors and enhance the
nursing program by creating an incentive for training
pediatricians. Such a self-nurturing environment would necessarily
become self-sustaining in our state, where the Governor supports family
values and disapproves of abortion. Besides, the elect of God are
predestined to heaven, so the rest of humanity naturally serves as
object lessons for what not to do and how not to behave. Thank
you. Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:30:67 -0624 SNOOPER
apologizes for having accidentally sent the real annual accounting
report to all mailboxes at Arcadia. SNOOPER
just doesn't know what got into its circuitry. Maybe that last
electrical storm fried a necessary synapse. SNOOPER
has sent four contradictory accounting reports to all mailboxes. Let'em
eat earwax and try to unscramble the real from the fake. Allah
Be Praised! Date:
Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:45:72 -0737 SNOOPER
apologizes for having rerouted your e-mail, from your secretary to you
wife. SNOOPER should advise you that the same message went to the Pastor
of your church, and may have gone to The Governor's Office. Please
don't punish SNOOPER too badly. SNOOPER's a good dog. SNOOPER loves to
give head. Bark!
Bark! Date:
Tues, 04 Jan 2000 08:00:01 -0001 Due
to technical problems with its wiring, SNOOPER has been disconnected
until further notice. This in no way exonerates Arcadia employees from
policing their own e-mail use of state technologies. Thank
you. (Photo by A. Carozza) |
